Laura Markham: How to manage your toddler and stay a positive parent?

 

Most children become harder to manage at around fourteen months. That's because they make a huge developmental leap at this point. They're not so easily distracted. They realize that you're a separate person, who can sometimes--but not nearly often enough--be influenced to do things their way. They realize they have some influence in the world, but not a lot of power, and they start experimenting to see how they can get their needs met and their desires fulfilled.
This can be a maddening time for parents, or it can be a wonderful time, watching your child blossom.  How difficult the phase from 15 to 36 months is depends at least partly on the parent's attitude. Your child's rebellion will be inversely proportional to the freedom she’s given to do her developmental work.
How much is he allowed to explore? To set his own pace?  To feel in control of his world?  To discover that he is a competent person? 

Much of this depends on the parent.  Are you sensitive to your child's readiness for independence, supporting but not pushing? Can you appreciate your child's bids for independence without taking them as personal insults?  Can you give up some control so your child can develop some sense of mastery over her world? Can you set whatever limits are necessary for her safety and your sanity, while empathizing with her disappointment when she doesn't get what she wants?

Your Toddler's Developmental Tasks:

Rapid physical and brain development.
Rapid acquisition of vocabulary and verbal rules.
Learning how to stay connected to you while he asserts his own needs and wants.
Development of Agency (sense of oneself as a powerful, competent person able to act upon the world).
Learning that other children are people too, and that he relate to them safely, so he doesn't have to be aggressive with them.

Your Parenting Challenge:

Keeping your sanity while your baby increasingly expresses herself and engages with the world.

Your Parenting Priorities:

1. Keeping your child safe as she explores.
2. Giving up some control so he can develop some mastery over his world.
3. Enjoying her emerging independence and curiosity.
4. Staying positive!
"The first three years of life establishes the blueprints for all of our future relationships." -- John Bowlby

What toddlers need from their parents:

1. The validation of her own agency.  She needs to learn that there are things she is in charge of, such as her own body, and she needs to experience herself as competent and powerful.
2. Structure, Limits, Routines and Security:  Toddlers are beginning to grasp that it's a big world out there.  Even their own  feelings seem overwhelming to them at times.  They need the reassurance that the parent is in charge and can keep them safe  -- from the world, and from their own big feelings and lack of self control.
3. Help understanding and structuring time so he feels less out of control and pummeled by circumstance ("After lunch it's nap time, and then we'll drive to Grandma's.")  Toddlers need to know what to expect and do better with a definite routine.
4. Your empathy: Look at it from his point of view, and you'll see it makes sense.  Even if you can't do what he wants, it will help him to cooperate if you can understand and sympathize with his unhappiness.

Gameplan for a Fun Toddlerhood:

1. Let your child be in charge of potty training.  They all get out of diapers sooner or later. Fights with your child about his or her body are fights you will never win.  Toilet training can actually be empowering for your child, an important step in independence, but it depends how you handle it.  If your child shows zero interest in toilet training, find opportunities for him to be around other kids who are using the toilet, and he'll quickly want to emulate them. For more on easy potty learning, click here.
2. Sidestep power struggles.  You don't have to prove you're right. Your child is trying to assert that he is a real person, with some real power in the world.  That's totally appropriate.  Let him say no whenever you can do so without compromise to safety, health, or other peoples' rights.  You'll be glad to know that since tantrums are an expression of powerlessness, toddlers who feel some control over their lives have many fewer tantrums.
3. Pre-empt tantrums.  First, know that tantrums are normal for kids this age.  Second, since most tantrums happen when kids are hungry or tired, think ahead.  Preemptive feeding and napping, firm bedtimes, re-connection with you,  cozy times, peaceful quiet time without media stimulation --  whatever  it takes to calm down and rest --  prevent most tantrums, and reground kids who are getting whiny. Learn to just say no  -- to yourself!  Don't squeeze in that last errand.  Don't drag a hungry or tired kid to the store. Make do and do it tomorrow.  For more on taming toddler tantrums, click here.
4. Use play to "manage" your toddler.  Toddlers don't like to be ordered around any more than you do.  What they do love is to play.  Want cooperation? Fly your toddler up to her bath.  Get him to finish his milk by pretending to be a puppy who loves milk.  Get her into her carseat by pretending to be the flight attendant preparing for takeoff.  Race him to the car.  
5. Don’t take it personally.  Your toddler will at times reject you or be hurtful in some way.  Don’t take it personally.  She’s learning from you how to modulate her anger.  This is your opportunity to grow, and teach her at the same time.
6. Allow time in your schedule for your toddler's need to explore the world.  That's his job, after all -- exploring, experimenting, learning.  That's how his brain develops.  Rushing toddlers is one of the common triggers of avoidable tantrums.
7. Cultivate empathy for your child.  Social skills start with your empathy.  Kids begin to develop empathy for others (and therefore, the ability to share, not hit, etc.) as they themselves feel understood. Click here for more on what empathy is and how to use it to raise great kids.
8. Don't force her to share.  That actually delays the development of sharing skills!  Kids need to feel secure in their ownership before they can share. Instead, introduce the concept of taking turns. (“It’s Crystal’s turn to use the bucket.  Then it will be your turn.")  Help him wait for his turn with empathy. Help him put his favorite toys away before another child visits.  When he does share, out of the goodness of his own heart, empower him to make that choice again by observing, aloud, the effect of his choice: "Look how happy Michael is that he gets a turn with your truck."
9. Use age-appropriate "discipline."  For toddlers, that means empathic limits, information, redirection, and help with emotions.  Researchers compared two groups of toddlers who were rated as behaving about the same. They watched what happened when parents spanked them.  The children who were spanked behaved worse a year later than the kids who weren't.  Even yelling at toddlers has a negative effect, causing them to harden their hearts to you and become defiant.  Toddlerhood is where violence starts: Are you unwittingly teaching your kids that might makes right? (See Positive Discipline for help in managing your toddler.)
10. Be the person you want your child to be. Children learn to interact with others by experiencing relationships, and then they recreate them.  Remember that your toddler is learning both sides of any relationship she’s in.  If you don’t want her to tantrum, don’t lose your temper at her. If you yell at her, you're teaching her by example that tantrums are ok.
11. Eliminate visual electronic media.  The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children under the age of two not watch TV or videos at all because they have other important developmental work to do and because it impacts brain development.  The AAP recommends that older children watch AT MOST an hour or two per day of nonviolent, educational TV.  I recommend TV and movies only for special occasions. I know we’re told that Sesame Street is good for our children, but research shows that it influences brain development and shortens the attention span. It starts an addiction in kids who are prone to it. When they’re a little older, they'll want to watch other TV. And before they’re much older, you'll wonder why they flip on the TV instead of reading a book. Not to mention that you will have stopped being able to monitor what they watch by the time they’re eight.  For more on TV, see Why Your Toddler Shouldn't Watch TV -- and What to Do Instead.
12.  Feeding is the toddler’s job.  You provide the healthy food.  She feeds it to herself.  Put a mat under the high chair.   Don’t obsess about how much she eats. Kids don't starve themselves. Many toddlers are too busy during the day to eat enough and ask for food at bedtime.  This can drive a parent around the bend, unless you build a bedtime snack into the schedule – which also often helps kids settle down and sleep better.  If you make sure the snack is healthy, you take the pressure off dinner so you can enjoy your child more at dinner without prodding them to eat. You can combine it with the bedtime story if you’re short on time.  Click here for more on feeding your toddler.
13. Forget about stimulating your child's brain by teaching her the alphabet.  The intellectual work of toddlers is about exploring, observing the world, talking and being listened to, being accepted, validated and acknowledged. Emotional self-management lays the foundation for intellectual development. It's never too early to develop a love of books, but that doesn’t happen by learning the alphabet.  If you want your child to love reading, then read to her and tell her stories.
14. Pre-empt whining.  Whining is an expression of the child's feeling of powerlessness.  It can become a habit.  To nip whining in the bud, avoid letting your child have opportunities to learn that whining gets her what she wants.  In other words, try to avoid making whining necessary, and if it does happen, try to avoid rewarding it. Instead, help your child with those helpless feelings.  Click here for more on how to stop your toddler's whining.
15. Use routines.  Kids develop self discipline partly by living in a safe, predictable structured routine where they know what to expect.  When you disrupt routines with travel,  Grandma’s visit, or simply exceptions for your own convenience, you can expect tantrums, difficulty falling asleep, and other challenges. Grandma, of course, is worth it, but choosing disruptions wisely is part of protective parenting. Click here for more on schedules and routines that toddlers can understand.
16.  Give her the opportunity to experience competence. Toddlers tantrum less and cooperate more when they feel more powerful.  How can you help your toddler feel more powerful?  Three key ways: Listen to her, Let her make decisions whenever possible, and give her the opportunity to experience competence.
Toddlers need daily experience with work to gain confidence in their own capabilities and begin to think of themselves as competent people.  I don’t mean burdensome work, I mean work in the spirit of Maria Montessori, and Tom Sawyer making the other kids think that white-washing the fence was the world’s best game.   In other words, toddlers LOVE to understand how the household functions, and to participate.  They LOVE to contribute.  They LOVE to learn.
Invite your toddler to be involved with whatever you're doing.  Ok, so the help will make your job harder, but he's learning and gaining skills for the future, and you're bonding.
What kinds of household tasks?   They can stand on a stool or bench in the kitchen to help.  They can help you as you run errands.  They can help in the yard.  Specifically,
Make themselves a snack, such as peeling fruit or an egg, or slicing soft cheese and making sandwiches with crackers. 
Help wash pots and pans or other unbreakable dishes. 
Wash vegetables in the sink
Wipe the counter off
Help you clean the refrigerator
Help set the table
Help clear the table
Help you by turning lights on and off.
Dust
Scrub the tub (from inside, barefoot!)
Pair the socks as you fold clothes. 
Sort clothes (which clean clothes belong to which family member?)
Help you transfer clothes from the washer to the dryer, pull clothes out of the dryer, or hang them on a line.
Pick out fruit at the grocery store. 
Wash the table or floor.
These activities are ultimately more educational and satisfying than TV, and most young children love them.  After completing such a task, the toddler says "I did it!"  and feels like a more capable, powerful person. (Compare that to how they feel after they watch a TV show.)  Sure, it's more work for the parent than just doing it yourself.  That's not the point.  Toddlers and preschoolers who feel competent and powerful don't need to assert their power by being contrary.  They're more confident.  And they're more helpful! That's what I call win-win. Click here for more on helping your child develop Competence.

Fonte: http://www.ahaparenting.com/Ages-stages/toddlers/toddlers-terrific-twos

True Parenting: 4 Things Your Baby Needs to Learn in the First 2 Years of Life

 

 

“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” (Frederick Douglas) The edification of our children starts on day one. The building of strong children begins from conception, long before we ever look into the eyes of our little one. There is nothing so important in any of our lives as the responsibility to act in ways that build strong children. Built into Frederick Douglas’s statement above is a challenge to ensure that no matter how much repair we ourselves might need, we should do all we can to stop perpetuating the cycle of broken men and women and promote health, safety and strength in our own children. We ourselves, our children, and society as a whole, will be strengthened as we head this challenge.

From the moment our children are conceived they are influenced by our thoughts, emotions and behaviors. Even before they are born we are developing our children’s brains and subsequently their potential for various predispositions, positive or negative. When our children are born, they do not formally learn in the same way they do later in life. In the first year especially, children have little to no language, and so learning comes through ideas and emotions rather than through words. Despite the fact that our newborn and infant children are not reading books and solving math equations, they are indeed doing some of the most important and impactful learning of their whole lives. In the first 2 years of a child’s life, they are literally laying down the neural pathways that help them later establish skills of emotional regulation, self soothing, empathy and so many other essential skills for happy, healthy living.

I recently attended a training where the instructor reminisced about parents that advocate for “Cry it out” methods, spanking or other harsh punishments. A parent’s reasoning for these methods often goes something like the following: “They need to learn to self soothe, to calm down on their own, or to listen.” The instructor then went on, “Children also need to learn to do laundry, but not at a year old.” Parents often worry about “spoiling” their children. Society often tells us that we need to “teach them a lesson” even at very young ages. It is always important to maintain healthy boundaries and to establish order in our homes, but we lay the foundation for strong teaching and relationships in our homes by providing kind responses and gentle guidance to our infants.
There are a few things that our kids need to learn in their first 2 Years of life. If we teach them nothing else in those first couple years of life, teach them these:

The 4 lessons your infant needs to learn:
1. Their primary needs are met: Just like anyone else, babies need food, shelter, comfort and security. Unlike everyone else, they are completely helpless to get it for themselves. They depend on us to provide the basics of life to them. There will come a time when your child will need to learn to wait. They will need to learn that they cannot have everything they want, when they want it. Infancy is not the time to teach that. Infancy is the time to feed them when they need to be fed, hold them when they need comfort, and change their diaper when it is needed. I’m not suggesting that if you do not hold them the moment they start to cry that they will be scarred for life, but I am suggesting that our children need to know that when they cry, they are heard and their needs are met. Some parents choose to wear their baby, while others choose simply to keep them close. I don’t think that one is right and the other is wrong, simply that our infant children need to know that we are close and will respond to their needs. Seek to observe and understand your child and their needs and then be vigilant in responding appropriately.

2. They can trust you and the world around them: We are our children’s first contact with the world and we act as a “prototype” for what they can expect from the world. Children that have parents that are dependable and trustworthy are more likely to have a healthy interest and trust in other relationships. Trust is the foundation of every healthy relationship. Safety and security are essential to our infant children. Make routines and schedules as reliable as possible. Respond to their needs and identify specific ways that you can display patience and compassion to your baby, even when it’s hard.

3. What empathy and self-regulation looks like: The foundation of our children’s ability to self-regulate starts with us regulating our own emotional reactions. In the first 18 months of life children have little to no biological ability to regulate their own emotions. The structures in the brain are not yet developed enough to manage their own emotions and reactions. The act of “self-soothing” is not a matter of motivation but rather a matter of lack of neurological capability. This brain development occurs through positive modeling, as well as positive contact and external soothing that we provide to them. As I stated in the introduction of this article, in the first 18 months of a child’s life, we are literally laying down the neural pathways that help them later establish skills of emotional regulation, self soothing and empathy.

4. That you love them: This seems to go without saying and yet we can sometimes allow stress and details of life to get in the way of showing genuine feelings and expressions of love. We share our love with our babies in the tone of our voice, the touch of our hand and even the look in our eyes. Babies are actually very good at picking up on our emotions and stress levels. It is important to be positive and expressive with our faces when we interact with our baby. This may be the single most important thing an infant needs to learn in their first couple years of life. It lays the foundation for their self concept, relational and social development and even has significant influence on the development of their overall brain function.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in the little things from day to day. It’s easy to think, “He needs to learn to eat his peas, to keep his hands to himself or to comply. He needs to know he doesn’t always get what he wants. He needs to learn to self soothe and stop the tantrums.” It’s easy to think of our infant’s unfamiliarity with life as “bad behavior,” but it is not. It is rather exploration and practice for them to solidly establish the 4 lessons outlined in this article. These 4 lessons help to equip their brains with the foundation for healthy behavior, habits and patterns. They also establish a parent/child relationship that leads to incredible influence. When they are able to internalize these 4 lessons in their hearts and minds, our jobs as parents will be easier and happier later on and our children will be more successful in navigating the world in a happy and healthy way.

Fonte: http://truparenting.net/4-things-infant-needs-learn-first-2-years-life/

William James: The Parent's Tao Te Ching: Ancient Advice for Modern Parents

“Do not ask your children
to strive for extraordinary lives.
Such striving may seem admirable,
but it is the way of foolishness.

Help them instead to find the wonder
and the marvel of an ordinary life.

Show them the joy of tasting
tomatoes, apples and pears.

Show them how to cry
when pets and people die.

Show them the infinite pleasure
in the touch of a hand.

And make the ordinary come alive for them.
The extraordinary will take care of itself.”

~William Martin, The Parent's Tao Te Ching: Ancient Advice for Modern Parents

Abundant Life Children: 4 Small Changes To Enrich Your Journey with Young Children

Two weeks ago, I sat with a group of child care professionals just entering the profession, and everyone felt overwhelmed.  Whether parenting or working as an early care practitioner, the task of accompanying a human being in the first years of life is daunting!  And it can seem like if you don’t dedicate an entire facility to child-sized furniture, pursue the latest and greatest in curriculum and materials, or spend every spare moment reviewing current research about proper technique, supporting adequate growth is impossible!
Thankfully, there is incredible power in small changes.  Today, I offer four simple changes we can all begin right now that will have lasting impact on our relationship with children over a lifetime.

Simple Change #1: Say “You did it!” instead of  “Good job!”  Back in my student teaching days, a master teacher observed me with a group of middle school math students.  When we sat to review her assessment of my work, she told me that I should use the phrase “you did it” instead of “good job.”  I nodded obligingly, and promptly wrote the suggestion off as inconsequential and assessed the difference in phrases to be negligible.
After more than a decade, gobs of professional development hours, and three books by Alfie Kohn (and others), I’ve changed my tune.
Consider the difference: good job is an evaluation.  Your good job to my picture of a mountain tells me you approve, and you think it’s worthy of good.  It ignores my opinion; after all, whether or not I was pleased with the finished product doesn’t matter with good job.  With good job, I learn to value your opinion more than my own and discount my personal feelings about the things I do.  Good job keeps me focused on others for their opinions of me.
You did it tells a different story by placing the pride for my work squarely where it belongs: with me.  You did it recognizes my effort and grows in me a sense of pride.  You did it affirms that I am capable and eliminates unnecessary evaluations.  You did it removes the pressure to preform for the evaluation of someone else.
Simple Change #2: Tell a story.  Literacy development roots itself in a child’s early years, long before formal schooling begins.  Supporting a child’s love for books is something parents and educators do naturally: frequenting libraries, wearing the edges of favorite picture books through repeated readings, and incorporating books into daily routines.  But one of the skills that research tells us is foundational to reading is the art of storytelling.  Storytelling requires an understanding of the different elements present in a story like characters, plot, conflict, resolution, and setting.  Telling a successful story also requires that the narrator establishes enough context to enable the listener to follow along.
Practice storytelling with the children in your lives.  Our meal tables often transform into storytelling spaces.  As the children eat, I don my storytelling hat and weave language into real and imaginary adventures.  Frequently, I solicit character ideas from my table companions, and often, children request repeats from days before.  As friends finish eating, they assume the role of storyteller and practice the art for their audience.  The most successful stories are told with lots of facial expressions, vocal inflection, and energy – so channel your inner dramatic soul and nurture this key emergent literacy skill.
Simple Change #3: Ask, “How can I help?”  Children learn far more from our modeling than our instructions, so one of the surest ways to foster children who are helpful is to show helpfulness.  Often our desire to nurture responsibility appears to stand in conflict with our desire to grow helpfulness.  Take clean up time, for example.  A child who makes a mess should be responsible for cleaning it up, right?  After all, it was little Suzie who, in her overly energetic morning rampage, dumped out every basked of toys in the space.  If she gets help cleaning it up, she won’t learn to take car of her things, right?  After all, I didn’t make the mess.  I shouldn’t have to help clean it up.  So goes the standard mantra.  Our standard mantra is in serious need of an upgrade!
If I resist the urge to saddle the mess-makers with the responsibility, and instead join in the process, I find an immediate response from the whole crew.  Helpfulness breeds helpfulness.  If I see a child working, I enter alongside and ask, “How can I help?”  If I see a child overwhelmed with a large task, I announce, “Help, help! Who can help!”  (A line from one of our favorite books, One Duck Stuck.)  After all, who likes do manage an overwhelming project alone?  Children will remember the feeling of being helped and readily accompany a needy friend in the future.
Simple Change #4: Think inside the box.  Open-ended play materials hold the secret to preserving a child’s creativity, imagination, wonder, and love of learning.  With no prescribed or “right” way to play, open-ended materials foster cognitive flexibility and persistence.  There’s a reason why children would rather play with the box than the toy it came in!  Check out fellow educator Denita Dinger for some wonderful open-ended ideas in your work with young children.
Giving your children a box nurtures their development in rich and meaningful ways.  Try one or several boxes.  Keep your eye out for many different sizes: small ones can be stacked and larger ones function as hiding spaces.  Babies and toddlers love to load things into boxes and push them around while older toddlers and preschoolers incorporate boxes into dramatic play.  By simply adding a box to your playspace, you open an opportunity for children to grow some of the critical skills they need for lifelong learning.
What small changes do you think are important?  I love your thoughts – leave me a note in the comments below!

References:
Curtis, D., & Carter, M. (2008). Learning together with young children: a curriculum framework for reflective teachers. St. Paul, MN: Redleaf Press.
Kohn, A. (1993). Punished by rewards: the trouble with gold stars, incentive plans, A’s, praise, and other bribes. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Co.
Pasek, K., Golinkoff, R. M., & Eyer, D. E. (2003). Einstein never used flash cards: how our children really learn–and why they need to play more and memorize less. Emmaus, Pa.: Rodale.
Whitehurst, G., & Lonigan, C. (1998). Child development and emergent literacy. Child Development, 69(3), 848-872.

Fonte: http://abundantlifechildren.com/2012/09/17/4-small-changes-to-enrich-your-journey-with-young-children/

Abundant Life Children: Phrases that Nurture Respect, Confidence, and Community

 

A friend asks her injured companion, “What would be helpful?” and responds by kissing a

wound.

A reader asked if I would compile a list of my go-to phrases that are useful in my daily work with young children.  She mentioned that in reading my blog, she finds herself writing down phrases that she can keep on hand for when life picks up the pace.
I thought it was a marvelous suggestion!  Keeping a list of phrases in your mental “back-pocket” can come in handy in any occasion.  I have included a list of phrases below with lots of links if you are interested in more of the why behind each phrase.
Each of these phrases originated in its own way: some, suggestions from friends and colleagues, others, the result of conferences I’ve attended or readings I’ve done.  Still others have grown organically out of my personal interactions with young children.  I am indebted to the entire early childhood community for its collective wisdom, especially voices found here.  Many phrases on this list were shared with me by Kelly Matthews and the young children in her in-home program, A Place For You Child Development Home (she now works as a consultant and is available for superb trainings through her business with the same name).  My language around problem solving was heavily influenced by Dan Gartrell’s The Power of Guidance and Barbara Kaiser and Judy Sklar Rasminsky’s Challenging Behavior in Young Children.
And now, the list:
===================================

• What would be helpful?  When a child is sad, hurt, lonely, or angry, this phrase serves to keep the child in charge of her process.  Respect for the child’s body is one cornerstone of my work.  No kissing away a hurt without permission!
• What’s your plan?  Useful when two children disagree, when a child and I are at an impasse, or when a child is working to solve a problem on his own, this phrase helps a child verbalize a course of action.
• You feel strongly.  When someone is in the middle of a meltdown, these three words are emotionally cathartic.  They reflect back to the child her inner emotional reality which helps as she learns to connect with her feelings.  Also, “you feel strongly” respects a child’s right to define her emotional experience.  “You’re feeling sad” or “You’re really angry” – while possibly accurate, short-circuits the child’s chance to learn how she feels.
• That was helpful/friendly/generous/gracious/etc.  The more specific our language with children, the more they can learn “life rules.”  We tend to casually drop guidelines without definitions.  Instead of: be kind, I need helpers, or share your toys, specific language supports the child’s growing knowledge of what it means to be a friend, to be helpful, or to be generous.
• I see a problem.  I see two friends who both want ____.  What’s your plan?  I say it so often that I don’t often make it past the first sentence before children offer suggestions.  Allowing children the power to negotiate in the face of disagreement builds extraordinary confidence.
• You wish you could ___.  I understand.  This phrase offers a basic empathetic connection with a child who feels strongly.  You wish you could play with the grasshopper.  I understand.
• I will keep you safe.  Whenever I have to intervene with a child who is acting aggressively, I step in with as little physical restraint as necessary (blocking a hand from hitting, for example) and use this phrase.  Children need to know that we will help them when they feel out of control.
• I remember when you couldn’t ___ and now you can!  Everyone is learning!  This phrase allows children to see their progress over time and celebrates the victories as they come.  One of our crew recently learned how to untie her shoes from a double knot.  I offered: I remember when you couldn’t untie your shoes and now you can!  Everyone is learning!  I glimpsed a face so full of pride it could not be contained without a joyful little dance.  Musician Tom Hunter has a song by this title and is the source for this insightful language.
• You are in charge of your body.  I don’t want to paint!  No problem. You are in charge of your body.  I don’t want to eat my peas. No problem. You are in charge of your body.  I’m not tired.  No problem.  You are in charge of your body.  (Followed by, You can rest while your friends sleep.)

Now, for all the readers who would like a quick reference sheet, I created this just for you (from scratch, with my limited Photoshop skills…golf clap, everyone)!   If you would like to print a copy, right click on the image below and save it to your desktop.  I hope this is helpful!

 Fonte: http://abundantlifechildren.com/2012/10/05/phrases-that-nurture-respect-confidence-and-community/

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Positive Parents: Creating an Environment for Children to Thrive

Children have been compared to flowers often as the similarities are evident - they are beautiful, they are unique, they require tender, loving care, they bloom in their own time. Often we focus on changing our child rather than changing their environment, but changing the environment has a big impact on how our children grow. If we consciously tend to our gardens, our flowers will blossom.

The Physical Environment

1. It's hard with small children, but try to keep the clutter to a minimum. Simple, neat spaces are more pleasing and soothing than cluttered and crowded spaces.

2. Subtle décor can have a big impact. Fresh flowers on the table, light-hearted wall hangings or beautiful art all add to the feeling of your home.

3. Pleasant scents lift moods. Did you know that the human sense of smell can identify thousands of aromas and is 10,000 times more precise than our sense of taste? Find what scents energize your children and what scents soothe them.

4. Provide toys and activities that children can reach/do independently without the help of an adult. Put as much on their level as you are comfortable with, including healthy snacks, books, puzzles and games, cups/plates/utensils, etc. Provide a mirror at your child's level. Have stools available at sinks.

5. Let the sunshine in! Open shades and windows. Research has proven that natural lighting helps people be more productive, happier, healthier and calmer.


The Mental Environment

1. Protect your children as best as you can from things which are not age appropriate. This means mature television shows, video games, or movies with themes their young minds may not be ready for.

2. Be a role model! As much as you can show them how to live joyfully, laugh loudly, bounce back, show compassion, be optimistic, positive, and happy is as much as they will be able to do the same.

3. Ensure your child gets the proper nutrition, sleep, and exercise as these affect mental health.

4. Love, security and acceptance should be at the heart of your family life.  Children need to know that your love does not depend on his or her accomplishments.Confidence grows in a home that is full of unconditional love and affection.

5. Nurture your child's confidence and self-esteem. Encourage them, Be their cheerleader. Give healthy praise. Set realistic goals. Avoid sarcastic remarks.

6. Let them play! Free play, messy play, exploring, and unstructured play time are great for children. Most of it comes off in the shower!

7.  Ensure a positive, safe school environment. Work closely with your child's teachers. Always advocate for your child when necessary. Keep lines of communication flowing so that your child feels he or she can discuss problems with you.

8. Build competencies. Children need to know that they can overcome challenges and accomplish goals through their actions. Achieving academic success and developing individual talents and interests helps children feel competent and more able to deal positively with the stresses of life. Social competency is also important. Having friends and staying connected to friends and loved ones can enhance mental well-being.

9. Create a sense of belonging. Children need to feel connected and welcomed, and this is vital to their developing sense of self and their trust in themselves and others. Greet your child warmly every morning and after school. Include your child in on family meetings. Creating warm and memorable family traditions will build a sense of tradition and closeness in the family unit. Help your child develop positive relationships with outside family members, teachers, clergy, coaches, and peers.

10. Teach your child healthy mental boundaries. Explain that they have a choice in choosing peers who bring out the best in them and in staying away from people who don't. Show them how to set and enforce limits with others and be assertive. Role play how to handle multiple situations in which their values and limits may be tested so that they feel empowered in dealing with this when it arises.


The Emotional Environment

1. Ensure each child feels safe to express his/her feelings.

2. Keep family drama away from the kids. It's okay for the children to see parents argue as long as no one is verbally abusive and it ends peacefully as this can model positive skills, but if you can't keep from shouting and insulting, keep it away from the kids.

3. Sibling squabbles are to be expected, but make sure it doesn't get out of hand. If a sibling is feeling bullied or being hurt physically or mentally, you need to step in.

4. Avoid comparing your children to each other and to other children.

5. Respect your children. Listen to them and take them seriously. Make them feel like a valued member of the family unit.

6. Accept all feelings and teach children how to manage their emotions.

7. Create and respect healthy boundaries. Verbal and physical abuse obviously violates their boundaries. Additionally, children’s property, space, and privacy should be respected.

8. Allow children age appropriate decisions, responsibilities, and independence.

9. Be fair and reasonable in your discipline. Do not give consequences when you are emotionally charged.

10. Allow them to be who they are and nurture and love the child you have.

 

 

Fonte: http://www.positive-parents.org/2014/06/creating-environment-for-children-to.html

Positive Parentes: What's the Deal with Consequences?

 

Whether you're new to positive parenting or a seasoned veteran, the issue of consequences can get your head spinning. Logical versus natural versus imposed. Then there are positive and negative consequences. What is the difference between them all?

I'm going to attempt to simplify this whole consequence dilemma by giving you one secret tool.

Throw the word "consequence" entirely out of your vocabulary and replace it with the term "problem-solving."

Do you see how this changes the whole concept in your mind? Now it's not about coming up with something to do to your child, but it's about working with your child to find a solution. Having your child involved in the problem-solving process will not only teach him valuable lessons and instill self-discipline, but it will leave his dignity intact, and he'll feel good about himself and his relationship with you.

Because I like to give actual examples instead of leaving you guessing, I'll start with a little personal story. My oldest son was barely 4 years old at the time we went to the bank where I used to work for a visit with some friends. Sitting in my friend's office, he began spraying the compressed air duster on everything. I asked him to please put it down, which he did briefly, but he couldn't resist for long (that stuff is pretty fun to spray) and he ended up emptying out the whole can.

Now, you might be wondering why I didn't just get up and take it from him, and the answer is because I saw an opportunity here to teach him a valuable lesson. When we got back to the car, I kindly explained to him that we had to respect the property of others. I did not lecture, I was just matter-of-fact about it. I said "We really need to get a new can for the bank to replace what you used. How are we going to fix this? He thought for a moment and said "I could do chores to earn the money!" I told him that was a great idea and that I was proud of him for thinking of a solution. When we got home, I let him wipe off the kitchen table and the sink, and I gave him $1. The next day, we stopped by the bank, and he took the money to my friend and told her he'd earned the money himself to give back to her to buy more air duster.

*Edited to add: Keep in mind this was just one day, one instance, one lesson. We teach many, many  lessons throughout everyday interactions. He knows it's not OK to waste things and act selfishly because I've taught him that in many other interactions with him. In this particular scenario, the lesson I wanted to teach was that of responsibility and righting wrongs. I made the call to do so because wasting an air duster can is a fairly harmless act and the consequence (earning the money to pay for it) was small. Also, this was a good friend of mine and she was in on the lesson. I explained to her that he'd be earning it back and would bring the money back to her to pay for it, and when he did so, she encouraged his responsibility. Had I not known this person, had it been a slightly different scenario, I would have held my limit and put it out of his reach. However, parenting is a series of  choices, and in this instance I decided to let him experience the consequence of his choice to not listen to me.*

Why was that not a punishment? Because I didn't make him feel bad about himself, he came up with the solution, he willingly did the chores, and he felt proud of himself when he took the money back to her.

If I would have said "Shame on you! You did exactly what I asked you not to do! Now you're going to do chores and give her back the money!" he would have felt ashamed, angry, and resentful. That would have been punishment. Make sense?

Let me give you just a couple more examples of problem-solving instead of imposing consequences.

Note: Because problem-solving is a cortex (pre-frontal) function, the child probably won't be ready to be involved in the problem-solving process until at least age 4. However, you can certainly let your younger-than-4 children hear you problem-solve. Talk it through with them. "You wanted Emma's doll, so you took it from her, but now Emma is crying. You both want the doll. Hmm. How can we solve this problem? How about you and Emma take turns with the doll?"

Scenario
Your 5 year old son gets upset at Grandma's house and yells "I don't like you!" to her. Grandma tells you about when you pick him up. Instead of telling him he was rude and taking away his tv for 2 days, involve him in making it all better.

Ask him what happened at Grandma's. Hear him out. You might say "I understand you got upset. Everyone gets upset sometimes, but we have to be careful with words because they can hurt. Do you think those words hurt Grandma's feelings?" Ask him "How can we make Grandma feel better? Can you think of something?" He may decide to pick her some flowers or make her a card or write her an apology note. If he doesn't come up with anything on his own, offer him a few suggestions like I just listed and let him choose. When he chooses, help him carry out his solution by taking him outside to pick the flowers or giving him supplies to make a card and tell him how much better he will make Grandma feel. Let him surprise her with it! He'll probably be smiling ear-to-ear.

Scenario
Your 13-year-old has math homework due the next day, but she wants to go to a movie with her friend. You remind her of the homework, and she says "I hate homework! I want to go to the movie!" Resist the urge to make her sit down and do it "this instant!" and give her the opportunity to problem-solve. You might say "Well, I'd rather watch a movie than do homework too, but I wonder what your teacher will say if you don't have your homework?" Lend an empathetic ear to what she has to say. If she doesn't begin to come up with a solution, you can coach her. "What time does the movie start? I'll bet you can get the homework done in time and still make the movie and have your homework ready for your teacher tomorrow."

Obviously every scenario can go a hundred different ways, but the idea is to involve your child in the process. Let your child come up with as much of the solution with as little prompting from you as possible, but do offer coaching if he's young or having a difficult time problem-solving himself. There should be no shaming, blaming, or anger in the problem-solving process. If you're child is upset, or if you are upset, wait until everyone is calm to begin the process. The keys to successful problem-solving are:

1. Your child feels GOOD about it afterward.

2. YOU feel good about it afterward.

3. The problem has been solved.

I hope this helps you solve the problem of figuring out consequences!

 

 

Fonte: http://www.positive-parents.org/2011/06/whats-deal-with-consequences.html